I feel it. It's hurting.

My heart is suffocating again.

I guess I never allowed it to fully heal.

I'm alone.

No one can save me.

I finally told him part of what was on my mind. I told him that I wanted to be his girlfriend, but he insisted we leave things as they are.

Crushing.
 
I haven't seen him in forever, and he tells me that he's leaving in two months for Tally again.

Devastating.

 Who cares?

Me.

Why?

 Who the fuck knows?!

 I wish that I were inept of feeling any sort of emotion. Emotion is breaking me back down into the dust that I was created from, bit by bit. So many opportunities slipping through my fingers. So many days passing just daydreaming. When I finally do get the courage, I've fucked up too much. I was a bit too honest. I'm not good enough anymore. I'm just like everyone else. I'm not! Why does everyone underestimate me? They only figure my worth when it's too late. When I've lost interest.

I pretend not to care, and it's tearing me apart. I have breakdowns, and they're not pretty. I feel like dying sometimes. I think about David a lot. I think about how happy I was when I was with him. About how he lied to me. About how much it hurt me, and how it still hurts right now. Just as much as the tears that are pouring down my cheeks right at this moment. How could anyone with a heart do such a thing. Why?

My life. Gone.

My sanity. Gone.

My power. Gone.

What have I done?

I hate to admit it, but it's happening again. I don't want to feel vulnerable. I hate that feeling. Feeling like I'm the only one. Being unsure of how the other person feels. How the other person will react when I unveil. I'm afraid. Terrified, actually; to tears.

I like progress. Watching something grow over time. This is not. Nor do I think that it ever will. Everyday I'm afraid of what's to come. Biting my tongue. Making sure not to say anything to offend. Leaving my tracks to be examined, and being honest to a fault. Stripping myself bare. Taking that risk. The extra step.

I care. Why? Why???

I should tell him how I feel. It's time.

I'll never learn. I haven't been completely clear about how I feel. My pride has been speaking for me, making things seem a bit nonchalant. There's this feeling in the pit of my stomach, telling me that this isn't right. Whatever decision I make, it won't be easy, so I just refuse to acknowledge the problem and leave things as they are. I need to get myself out of this now, and just stop talking to him altogether, but I'm finding it all too hard. So, I'll just continue with this charade until he breaks my heart. Part of me wants to see how far him and I could possibly go, and if things will actually work out. I'm fooling myself, because they just fucking won't!

I should really talk to him. I don't have a problem letting anyone else know how I feel, so why is there a problem with him? I'm afraid. Afraid that if I let him know how I truly felt, he'd just abandon me. I don't want to feel vulnerable. I don't want him to be aware and sure of the power that he has over me. ::sighs:: It's sad. Pathetic. Stupid.

Fuck my life.

There are so many things that I need to say, but I don't know where to begin. I'll just go off on a tangent. ::sighs::

My heart still aches, I'm lonely, and I cry almost everyday. He was no good for me, but I want him back! It wasn't easy-- being in a relationship with him, but it's better than what I'm going through now. I'm trying my best to be strong, but it's so hard. He contacted me through e-mail about two weeks ago, and I was actually happy to hear from him. My heart was beating uncontrollably with excitement when I received his e-mail. He said that he wanted to be friends with me. See how things were going for me. He even said that he's hurting as well, and that he still loves me, and a load of other bullshit that I fell for. Since our e-mail conversation, I haven't heard from him since. Yes, I'm crushed. Yes, I'm a fool. Why the HELL would I even want to be friends with someone who's dragged me through hell?

To soothe my pain, I've been seeing other guys. There's this one guy though. I really like him a lot. No, I don't love him, but he's quite the ideal. Not perfect, but someone who I could see myself with. Someone who I'd love to be in a relationship with. He's a stranger to me though. He won't let me on the inside. I do know, however that he's afraid of something. I won't hurt him. I've promised that to myself already. Just because it's been done to me, doesn't mean that I should do it to him out of spite of all men. I wish that I could show him somehow, or even somehow begin to tell him, what I'm feeling. Whenever I'm around him, I feel at peace. Nothing matters. My mind won't allow me to think of any troubling situations that I'm enduring when I'm with him. No one has made me feel that way; not even David. One day I joked that he would never date me, because he hates me, and he fed me some news I wasn't ready for. He told me that he didn't want a girlfriend, especially when he didn't know where he'll be or what he wants. Told me that he didn't feel worthy of me. That saddens me. I've been crying. That's how bad I want his affection. His attention. His time. Ugh! It's been killing me. I want him to be mine. How do I make him see? I want to tell him, but I'm afraid of how he'll react. I'm not expecting a positive reaction at all, and that's what's keeping me from revealing my feelings. He and I want different things. He wants freedom, while I want monogamy. I have to tell myself over and over again that things won't work out between us, because of these differences. If not, I'll just be digging another hole for yet another piece of my heart to suffocate in.

Who will I have? Who's gonna make me feel the way that he does? Who's going to scare, excite, and relax me all at once? Does he want me the same? I'd like to think so, but I KNOW that the answer is no. He doesn't feel the same as me, and I wish that he did.

Why do I do this to myself??? Why?! I always find myself in a situation where I care for someone so much, but they always take it for granted. They just brush me off. -________- When will I ever be someone's everything? When will someone actually WANT to spend time with me? Just me alone. I'm fucking ready to settle! I've been ready. I need something to keep me from going in the direction I see myself heading in. I need someone to love me. Someone that genuinely loves me! This is hurting me to no end. It hurts!

I'm a wreck. A fucking wreck. I don't know what to do. I can only cry, and hope for things to get better. I feel that there's nothing that I could possibly say to make things better. No one's gonna listen to me; they'll only hear me. I need someone to listen.  Someone to talk to.

Maybe it's time to break off some attachments. End some friendships? Burn some bridges? Build new ones? I think so. Time for me to enjoy life. Meet new people. Most of the people who are already here in my life are toxic. I need to breathe fresh air!

I'm driving myself crazy again. Why?

I've cried so much today. I'm not too sure if that's a good or bad thing.... I don't feel well. I am not happy. When will I ever be content?

So many things have been happening, and never would I have thought that I'd turn out to be this way. What's really scary, is that I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. Something really deep inside wants to see how far I can take this. How long it'll take for me to realize. How much I can withstand, whilst containing composure of life. I don't know....

There's so much that I want to accomplish, and it's all falling into place so perfectly, but I have no focus. Perfect timing. Just perfect. I feel anxiety. Soon it'll turn to tears; and sure enough, my anxiety would have had reason, and yet another dream will be crushed right beneath my very own feet.

I know exactly how things will unfold, but I try to fight it; and the harder I fight, the worse it is in the end, because I knew how hard I tried, only for my attempts to be failed. Maybe I should just allow nature to take its course, and avoid getting into a rebuttal with the universe. Am I telling myself to let go of ambition? I'm confused. More lost than I have ever been. Maybe I don't know how things will unfold.

I am overcome with fear, excitement, eagerness, and ANXIETY! This can be good or bad, but I know that I'll be okay regardless of the outcome. That's what I want to believe, at least. I am terrified, actually. My heart is racing, and my palms are sweaty. I feel the tears swell in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.

I'm unsure about so many things that I can't even begin to name them! I still feel empty! Why?!? I'm begging for this void to be filled, but everyone passes me by. Why? There, there. The tears are falling now. I need someone to talk to. To fill the void for me. I can't do this alone. I'm alone. No matter how many people I surround myself with, I'll always be alone when I close my eyes at night. I don't want to be alone. I don't. I can't stop crying. It's really hurting.

I want to be able to love again, but once again, I am terrified.

I've been keeping a lot of secrets. Some of others, some of mine. I feel as if I have morphed into a liar. I sometimes reveal the truth if I am questioned, but that doesn't make me an honest person. What have I become? Just another human being? Scum?

There is something that I need to tell someone. Someone who may or may not be interested in me, but still, he must know. It may change how he feels about me, and that's why the job has not been done. I feel that he has something to tell me as well. Eye for an eye-- I won't unveil until he does. That's my motive to keep these horrid secrets hidden. It's wrong, I know, but it can wait a while, no?

Think what you want. Conjure up your own perceptions of me. Suck my ass until you're blue in the face. I don't give a shit! No apologies here. Keep your mouth shut about my life. I'm not like the rest of them, and neither will I end up like so. Mind you own fucking business. When I say that I'm in control, I mean it.

Why does it hurt? It really fucking hurts. ::sighs::

The pain. It ensues once more.

All out of love? I feel so empty.

Soon, this void will be filled.

As of now, I feel so empty...lost. I see no future. I hate the world. I hate myself. I knew where I went wrong. Why did I allow it? Who are they? I still hear those whispers! Why? I see a beautiful blinding light, but then quickly thereafter is a darkness that seems neverending. I feel trapped, and I don't know what's keeping me here, but I wait for it to be over. It's not you-- It's me. It was me. I did this to myself. Yes, I did. Why?

When will this void be filled? Someone help me! No one can help me.

I know that some of you want to know what's been going on, and why I haven't been getting into details. Now, I'm ready to explain.

Well, a while back, maybe around April, I found out that Dave had been cheating on me with a girl he had JUST met! So, we broke up, but later that night he called me crying and apologizing. A few days later, I had forgiven him, and we were back together. About a week after things were back to normal, we started to argue like CRAZY. He'd never answer his phone, and he'd always be in a bad mood. He never wanted to see me, and he wouldn't let me come over. I then accused him of cheating on me with the same girl, but he just kept denying it. I remember telling him that if he's cheating on me, he should confess now, because I'll find out later. And what do you know?!? I caught him! Through Facebook...! He had pictures of him and this new girl hugging, and saying how much he loved her, and that they were dating. I couldn't believe it. The SAME girl! He never even broke up with her! He was dating and fucking the both of us at the same damn time! I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak! I couldn't even cry. My heart felt like it had been shattered! I loved him so much and I gave my all in our relationship, and he just ruthlessly played with my heart like some kind of toy! I thought about all those moments we had together. All the times I thought that he was really in love! And I became angry at myself for falling for him, and wasting my time. For sacrificing all that I have for him! I felt stupid. Like a fool. My mom had to talk to me to calm me down. Thank god for her, or I would've gone to his place and beat the shit out of him.

I also found out that he had sex with a friend of mine immediately before him and I had started dating. He never told me about her. I even asked if they've done anything, and he told me no. He had even recorded it, and showed it to his buddies. Yep. He's the devil in diguise. He also showed his friends a video of him and the new girl having sex. She doesn't know about it though, and I don't plan on telling her. There are also MANY other girls that I don't know about. Really have no interest in knowing anyway. I know him well enough already. A new lie revealed isn't going to change a thing.

When I found out that David was cheating on me with this new girl, I informed her. Of course she didn't believe me. She called me a "lying little bitch", and accused me of being jealous of what she has. So, whatever, I'll just let her find out the hard way.

I loved him so much. To the brink of obsession. I was crazy about him. I would've done anything for him. When I look back at how loyal I was to him, it makes me feel PATHETIC! Sometimes, I wish that I could take it all back, but I know that it's only going to make me stronger for the next heartbreak. Which is part of the reason I don't want to risk being in love again. I know that my heart is going to be broken again. My situation may seem bad now, but the next case will be even worse. I'm afraid. Not only that I'll have my heart broken, but that I'll break someone else's heart.

I'm in no place to be in a relationship with anyone at the moment. I don't feel like myself. I'm still hurting, and I'll only take it out on the guy that I'm dating. Everyday, it's getting better though. I told someone, "These past few days have been really hard, but with each day, I reach a higher level of happiness every time a low strikes me". This is true. I'm trying my best to cheer up, and I want to be happy more than anything, but it's going to take time.

Now, it's time to get down to business! Being in love has forced me to put a few things on the back burner; but no more! I'm getting back to my busy self!

Thanks to you, you heartless heart-breaking bastard.

The period of rejoicing has come to a screeching halt! I haven't been too happy lately. Yeah, the breakup with Dave has a lot to do with my unhappiness, but not entirely. I just didn't think that things would've been this hard without him. He wasn't even that good to me. I guess I was attached to knowing that I had him, when in reality I really didn't. I was fucked over. Plain and simple. I was lied to. He'd fill my head with all these dreams that I honestly never saw, but I still hoped! I went from being his everything to just a girl he talks to and fucks. Everyone knew but me. How tragic. How cold. ::sighs:: Embarrassing.

I'm not too sure if I want to be in a relationship again anytime soon. I'm not too sure if I want to be in love again. It's not worth the risk. This relationship has left me with a permanence of issues that I feel will never be sorted out. I don't trust anyone anymore. I feel that my sense of judgment is weak. I'm always in fear of the worst. So much that I'm unable to enjoy my life as it is. I am not happy, and things are not advancing. I'm stuck in a rut that seems impossible to get out of. Yet, I still love him. Stockholm Syndrome, maybe? I love him more than I have before, and it's strange. I don't want to because it makes me feel like a fool. It's like the more he hurts me, the deeper my love for him goes. Pathetic.

Heartbroken? Ouch.

Remember that trapped feeling that I talked about a few post back? Well, no more! It is official, and I've never felt better. I won't even get into the details, because that really isn't what's important. What's important, is that i'm finally free to do whatever I want. I no longer need permission or apprroval. What sucks, is that I'm having trouble getting used to this feeling.