The period of rejoicing has come to a screeching halt! I haven't been too happy lately. Yeah, the breakup with Dave has a lot to do with my unhappiness, but not entirely. I just didn't think that things would've been this hard without him. He wasn't even that good to me. I guess I was attached to knowing that I had him, when in reality I really didn't. I was fucked over. Plain and simple. I was lied to. He'd fill my head with all these dreams that I honestly never saw, but I still hoped! I went from being his everything to just a girl he talks to and fucks. Everyone knew but me. How tragic. How cold. ::sighs:: Embarrassing.

I'm not too sure if I want to be in a relationship again anytime soon. I'm not too sure if I want to be in love again. It's not worth the risk. This relationship has left me with a permanence of issues that I feel will never be sorted out. I don't trust anyone anymore. I feel that my sense of judgment is weak. I'm always in fear of the worst. So much that I'm unable to enjoy my life as it is. I am not happy, and things are not advancing. I'm stuck in a rut that seems impossible to get out of. Yet, I still love him. Stockholm Syndrome, maybe? I love him more than I have before, and it's strange. I don't want to because it makes me feel like a fool. It's like the more he hurts me, the deeper my love for him goes. Pathetic.

Heartbroken? Ouch.

Remember that trapped feeling that I talked about a few post back? Well, no more! It is official, and I've never felt better. I won't even get into the details, because that really isn't what's important. What's important, is that i'm finally free to do whatever I want. I no longer need permission or apprroval. What sucks, is that I'm having trouble getting used to this feeling.

There's been lots of problems occurring in my relationship with Dave. Most of them tend to be about the same thing. I just don't get it.... We talk about things, we come to an agreement, and the SAME damn thing happens again! How? Why? Is he not listening to me?!? Does he care? I know that he loves me, but I just think that he's in no place at all to be in a relationship, and hurt me in the process. It's selfish. About selfishness: I feel that it's always about him, and it makes me so upset sometimes. I wish he'd just grow the hell up! Every time we get around his wrestling buddies, he makes me feel like I don't exist, and I find myself alone on several occasions. It's like he forgets about me. I'd never do that to him. I love him to death, and I'd go out of my way to make sure he's okay, and that he feels like he's a part of the group. His selfishness is really getting to me. It's like he has no regard whatsoever for others! No one! Not even for the girl whom he claims to be his world. I'm so sick of it! Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped. I love him so much, and I don't want to lose him, but I can't stand being miserable much longer! I'd hate to hurt him. He's my only friend, and without him I'd go insane. I'm in tears right now, cause I'm so frustrated with everything's that been happening. I wish that things were different! What did I do wrong? Whatever it is that I can do to make things better, I will. But as of now, I'm not fulfilled, and it constantly disappoints him. I don't want to make him feel like it's all his fault. It could be something that I'm doing as well. I don't know. I've tried to sleep on my decision before I do anything that I'll regret, but I still feel the same way. Maybe it's just not meant to be...

The 27th of Tuesday marked me and Dave's one year anniversary. That was an interesting day. Not in a good way at all. Actually, it was horrible.

The weekend before that I planned on spending a week at Dave's place as I usually do every other week. Everything was going well, and it was all like normal that Monday, but everything hit rock bottom when aunt flow decided to arrive with a special gift two weeks too soon. I turned into a major bitch! I was so upset that he was watching wrestling, and I was in his bed writhing in pain. Usually, when aunt flow delivers punches Dave's right there to hold me, and it really doesn't hurt that much anymore. I get really sick when she visits. I always vomit on the first day, and I think that it's a wonder that my body can put up with that much pain and vomiting every month lol.

Well, anyway, later that night when wrestling was over, and I was in less pain, things got worse! Midnight struck, and I became an even bigger bitch. I was still VERY upset that he ignored me the whole time, but that once when I called his name a billion times to give me something for the pain! So, of course we got into it, and I just started bringing everything up lol. Bad idea! I told him that I wasn't going to move in with him because he's selfish and yadda yadda.... It even got to the point where I put him out of his own bed lol. Well, to make a long story short, we ended up getting over it all, and made up. You will not believe what happened when we woke lol! I woke up in the morning really happy and refreshed, and I wasn't even thinking about what had just happened a few hours ago. Before we could even get out of the bed that morning he told me, "You have to go home today!" Like at that point I seriously felt like he was joking. After I was convinced that he wanted me to get out of his sight I started to pack my clothes. Slowly though; I thought that he was going to change his mind. I even took my time to doing my makeup, and didn't say a word to him to hopefully give him some time to think about it. Didn't work though. When he took me home, I made it as cold as possible. No kiss, a quick hug, and a quick bye. What did he expect? He made me go home. When I finally got settled, and no one was around, I cried like a baby. I may talk about it like it's nothing now, but it really hurt. I felt like our relationship was going to be over pretty soon.

Tuesday night we were on the phone, and I was still upset about everything. Dave was saying nothing at all, so I joked that I'd rather date a brick wall. He didn't like my little joke too much, so he hung up on me. I was really tired that night and I didn't feel like talking on the phone anyway, and I didn't call back like I usually would. I was so sick of arguing. When I woke up that morning I was so fed up with everything that had been happening, and I felt mistreated beyond belief. I knew that David was asleep, and I didn't want to wake him up with a speech about trying to get things to work, and I didn't feel like waiting, because I felt like I had to vent immediately. Since he checks his MySpace first thing in the morning, I left him a message letting him know how I felt. As soon as I sent it, he signed on to AIM, and I told him to check his inbox. After he read it, he apologized for not thinking about our relationship as a whole, and only thinking about himself. He said said that it made him feel humbled and humiliated. I think he needed that. Sometimes he's so arrogant, and he tends to hurt my feelings without even knowing.

Now, we're not fighting anymore, and we have made up. What a relief. I just hate fighting with him. I prefer us all lovey dovey and disgusting lol. We don't argue much at all, but when we do, and we make up afterwards,  I feel like it makes our relationship stronger in a weird way. Each time it feels like a fresh start with an even stronger bond.

I love him.

I think I'm addicted.

Love by Mgnta

Paparazzi by Mgnta

Anew by Mgnta

Gold/Brown by Mgnta

Mgnta by Mgnta

Well things have been good as of yet. My mom hasn't been freaking out about me staying at my boyfriend's house. I think by the time I move out this year she'll kinda be okay. Not 100%, but whatever, she's never going to be fully ready for me to leave. It's going to be different- living with him; I know. If we get into a really bad argument, I can't just go home to get away and vent. I have to be stronger than that. I'm sure it won't be that bad, but I can already see it being a test on our relationship. Many people get the misconception that we're making decisions way too fast, and that we're way too young, but I don't think so. We've known eachother for 5 years now, and we've been going out for one. I think that we are a mature couple. Especially compared to most of our friends! Most of them are having babies and getting married, and haven't even started college yet.  Like, c'mon I'd like to have a little bit more fun before I start to play mommy with a husband and child. I think that they're making ridiculously fast decisions. I really love my boyfriend, but we are in no way at all ready to get married and have kids. We don't even have jobs yet! I think that things are moving at a good pace for us. Not too fast, but just enough. We're happy. It doesn't feel fake. Nor is it infatuation. It's beyond that. I can't even compare how wonderful and loving he is compared to the others I've dated. I didn't see this coming at all. When I was with my ex, I just thought that I was supposed to live life unhappy in the love department. David has opened my eyes tremendously. Never again will I settle. My happiness comes first! He's taught me that in his own way. He's taught me not to worry, because it's gonna be okay. He's brought joy into me. I love him.