There are so many things that I need to say, but I don't know where to begin. I'll just go off on a tangent. ::sighs::

My heart still aches, I'm lonely, and I cry almost everyday. He was no good for me, but I want him back! It wasn't easy-- being in a relationship with him, but it's better than what I'm going through now. I'm trying my best to be strong, but it's so hard. He contacted me through e-mail about two weeks ago, and I was actually happy to hear from him. My heart was beating uncontrollably with excitement when I received his e-mail. He said that he wanted to be friends with me. See how things were going for me. He even said that he's hurting as well, and that he still loves me, and a load of other bullshit that I fell for. Since our e-mail conversation, I haven't heard from him since. Yes, I'm crushed. Yes, I'm a fool. Why the HELL would I even want to be friends with someone who's dragged me through hell?

To soothe my pain, I've been seeing other guys. There's this one guy though. I really like him a lot. No, I don't love him, but he's quite the ideal. Not perfect, but someone who I could see myself with. Someone who I'd love to be in a relationship with. He's a stranger to me though. He won't let me on the inside. I do know, however that he's afraid of something. I won't hurt him. I've promised that to myself already. Just because it's been done to me, doesn't mean that I should do it to him out of spite of all men. I wish that I could show him somehow, or even somehow begin to tell him, what I'm feeling. Whenever I'm around him, I feel at peace. Nothing matters. My mind won't allow me to think of any troubling situations that I'm enduring when I'm with him. No one has made me feel that way; not even David. One day I joked that he would never date me, because he hates me, and he fed me some news I wasn't ready for. He told me that he didn't want a girlfriend, especially when he didn't know where he'll be or what he wants. Told me that he didn't feel worthy of me. That saddens me. I've been crying. That's how bad I want his affection. His attention. His time. Ugh! It's been killing me. I want him to be mine. How do I make him see? I want to tell him, but I'm afraid of how he'll react. I'm not expecting a positive reaction at all, and that's what's keeping me from revealing my feelings. He and I want different things. He wants freedom, while I want monogamy. I have to tell myself over and over again that things won't work out between us, because of these differences. If not, I'll just be digging another hole for yet another piece of my heart to suffocate in.

Who will I have? Who's gonna make me feel the way that he does? Who's going to scare, excite, and relax me all at once? Does he want me the same? I'd like to think so, but I KNOW that the answer is no. He doesn't feel the same as me, and I wish that he did.